


a mad, mad tea party

by dragonbagel



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Absent Parents, Angst, Drinking, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Single Parents, Trans Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2018-12-05 17:27:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11582778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonbagel/pseuds/dragonbagel
Summary: Rhys is pretty good at handling shitty situations. He's managed to balance climbing the cutthroat Hyperion corporate ladder and paying for his lunch-leeching best friend's lunch for years, all while raising his daughter on his own after his fiancee (and the mother of his child) jumped ship.With all his amazing skills, a stupid crush shouldn't even put a frown on Rhys' pretty, pretty face.Except for the fact that this crush happened to be on Handsome fucking Jack.***currently on hiatus***





	1. you're cordially invited

**Author's Note:**

> i've been thinking about this for a while, and i'm a sucker for overcommitting to writing things, so... yeah

Rhys had a crush on Handsome Jack.

He tested the weight of the words out in his mind. Rhys, a middle manager turned PA, had a crush on Handsome Jack, the terrifying CEO in charge of an entire space station.

Yeah, he was fucked.

He’d denied it at first, those strange, fluttery feelings in his stomach whenever he was around Jack. It was just nerves, it had to be. He’d never had feelings for another guy before, and the whole thing was kind of freaking him out. He’d always thought of himself as straight, and tried to remind himself of that in an attempt to will away his stupid fucking crush.

But he knew what it meant when his heart rate picked up, when his hands felt clammy and he acted even more awkward than usual. He may have spent the past few years single, but that didn’t mean he’d forgotten the signs.

Rhys had a crush on Handsome Jack.

He sighed as he gathered up his belongings and exited the office. There was no way this would end well for him; but Rhys had always been a sucker for making bad decisions.

* * *

 “Dad, pay attention! I asked if you wanted any more tea.”

“Hmm?” Rhys said, snapped out of his embarrassing thoughts of Jack and back into the reality of his daughter’s imaginary tea party that he was attending.

“ _Daaaaaad_ ,” she whined, and Rhys flashed her a grin.

“Right, right. I’ll have another cup, your majesty.”

Tina huffed. “Well, that’s too bad, because I just gave the rest of the tea to Zer0.”

She gestured to her Vault Hunter stuffed animal, which was seated next to Rhys. He snorted; her stubbornness reminded him of himself.

“Well, if I go make you some grilled cheese, would you maybe consider getting more tea for me?”

Tina mulled the offer over for a moment before her stomach growled loudly, and Rhys laughed as he stood up from the table. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

He hummed as he set about preparing dinner, glancing up every few minutes to make sure Tina was still pretending to make tea and not getting herself into trouble. Raising a kid on his own had allowed him to perfect the art of multitasking, especially now that Tina was nine with a tendency for mischief.

Well, Rhys thought he had a knack for multitasking. The smoke alarm suddenly going off proved otherwise.

“Shit!” he said, nearly burning himself in his haste to take the grilled cheese off the stove and waving away the smoke.

“Dad, you said a bad word!” Tina said, looking up from where she’d been adjusting her Axton doll in its seat. She wasn’t really fazed by the burning food, considering her dad wasn’t exactly a master chef.

“Sorry, sorry,” Rhys said quickly, scrambling to turn off the still-beeping smoke alarm. “I was too busy thinking about how excited I was for that tea.”

The real reason for his distraction was too embarrassing to admit, even to himself: I was too busy thinking about Handsome Jack.

“I’ll order us some pizza, okay?” He pulled out his ECHOcomm, entering the number he knew by heart (he’d already said he wasn’t a great cook, alright?).

“Mhmm,” Tina said, yawning as she poured imaginary tea into Rhys’ glass; he hoped the pizza would come soon, because dealing with his cranky daughter was the opposite of fun.

He slid into the seat across from her, blowing on his “tea” before miming taking a sip. “You’re too good to me, my queen.”

Tina smiled, showing off a few missing teeth. “I know.”

* * *

Rhys was exhausted when he came into work the next day. Tina had run into his room in the middle of the night hysterically crying from a nightmare, and Rhys had spent hours trying to calm her down before she finally fell asleep in his bed next to him.

“Mornin’, cupcake.”

Rhys looked up from where he’d been unloading his work bag to see Jack standing before him, flashing him with a grin.

“Hey Jack,” he said, yawning.

“You look tired,” Jack said, stating the obvious.

“Yeah, just, um, give me a sec to finish my coffee, then I’ll be good as new.” Rhys ended his sentence with a yawn before bringing his travel mug up to his lips, attempting to hide the blush on his face.

_Really, Rhys? “Good as new?” What kind of lame bullshit is that?_

“You’d better be,” Jack said, bringing Rhys back from his mental chastisement. “Hyperion needs you, Rhysie.”

His words sent Rhys’ mind reeling in the sappiest of directions, and he quickly nodded before he had the chance to say any more stupid crap to embarrass himself with.

“Oh, and make sure to look over that email we’re sending out to Torgue.” Jack had returned to his desk, spinning around in his chair like the hyperactive man-child he was.

“You mean the one telling them to go suck a kraggon’s dick and stop trying to copy our designs?” Rhys replied as he opened the file.

“Yep,” Jack said, laughing. “That’s the one.”

Rhys hated that Jack’s laugh sent fuzzy feelings through his entire body, even if it was at the expense of the childish email that Rhys would later have to draft an apology for.

The office was soon filled with silence aside from the clicking of keys, and Rhys wasn’t sure how much time had passed before Jack put a hand on his shoulder.

Rhys had startled at the touch, having been so engrossed in his work that he hadn’t even noticed Jack approaching him.

“Hey, kitten, why don’t you take the rest of the afternoon off? I’ve got an… appointment coming in for a little chat in a few minutes.”

Rhys had worked for Jack long enough to know that this was code for “some asshole is coming in and he’s not making it out alive,” and he wondered who the poor soul was this time.

“Oh, um, okay, sure. Thanks for the heads up.”

Rhys fumbled for the work he needed to finish at home as he packed up his bag, acutely aware of the fact that Jack hadn’t removed his hand from his shoulder.

“I know you’re not a huge fan of the whole bloody murder thing,” Jack said, chuckling.

Rhys shivered at the sound, praying that Jack couldn’t tell. “That’s an understatement.”

He stood up as he heard the doorbell to the office ring, frowning slightly at the loss of physical contact.

“See you tomorrow?”

Jack shot him finger guns as he exited the office, sidestepping an antsy, vaguely familiar guy from accounting (he was pretty sure Vaughn had bitched about him at one time or another). “You know it, kitten.”

Rhys was glad he was out of the office, because the obvious redness of his face was cringe-worthy in its unprofessionalism. He stopped in the Hub of Heroism to grab food, having forgotten to go on a lunch break as usual. He even bought extras to reheat for dinner that night, considering the fiasco that had been his attempt at cooking the previous evening.

The apartment, when Rhys finally arrived home to it, felt empty without Tina inside. She was usually home earlier than him, playing games with Vaughn or Yvette once they picked her up from after-school daycare. It wasn’t Rhys’ fault Handsome Jack overworked him, and he couldn’t exactly complain about his job; he had two people to support on his paycheck, and living on Helios wasn’t exactly cheap.

He watched TV as he ate his meal, then took some time to catch up on dishes and other housework that needed to be done. Tina was like a tornado tearing through the house, and her definition of “cleaning” was very different from Rhys’.

Even after his extensive cleaning, he still had a few hours before he could surprise Tina and Vaughn when they arrived. Despite all the coffee he’d had earlier, he really was exhausted, and a nap sounded heavenly.

He stripped down to his boxers and sank into the mattress with a sigh; it had been a long time since he’d been able to properly indulge in the “treat yourself” mindset. This was probably why he ended up jerking off before falling asleep.

And while he hated himself for it, he couldn’t deny that he’d done it while thinking about Jack.

* * *

Rhys was roused from his nap by the weight of a child crashing down onto him, knocking the air out of his lungs.

“Daddy, you’re home early!” Tina cried excitedly, hugging him as Rhys looped an arm around her back.

“Yep,” he said, groaning. “I think you broke like half my ribs, kid.”

“Oops!” Tina said, easing off of him but looking anything but apologetic.

Rhys grinned as he pushed her onto the sheets next to him, tickling her stomach as she screamed at him to stop. Tears had sprung in her eyes as she laughed, and she was weakly pushing at Rhys.

“What’s going on in here?” Vaughn appeared in the doorway, an amused look on his face.

“Someone just tried to crush me, so I’m getting payback.” Tina shrieked as she giggled, kicking her legs out wildly and accidentally hitting Rhys in the crotch.

Rhys stopped his attack with an “oompf,” and Vaughn had to cover his mouth to stop from laughing out loud.

“Come on, Tina,” Vaughn said, holding his hand out. “Let’s give your dad some time to get dressed. I found some Chinese food in the fridge we can eat.”

Rhys mouthed a “thank you” to his bro before shouting, “Don’t touch the tofu triangles, those are mine!”

“Nobody wants to eat your disgusting rubber food!” Vaughn called back, and Rhys heard the unmistakeable sound of his daughter’s laughter.

He rolled his eyes as he forced himself to get out of bed and put some clothes on, his stomach rumbling. He really didn’t thank Vaughn enough for all the help he’d given him, especially after…No. Don’t think about her. Don’t even think her name.

Vaughn and Tina were eating stir fry and watching cartoons when Rhys entered the kitchen, and he smiled appreciatively at his own plate of reheated food at the table. Tina had arranged the little triangles into a heart, and Rhys only hoped Vaughn had reminded her to wash her hands first.

Oh well. If he was going to die of food poisoning after this meal, it wouldn’t be such a horrible way to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i live for comments/kudos
> 
> support me on ko-fi [here](http://Ko-fi.com/dragonbagel)
> 
> tumblr: [dragonbagel](http://dragonbagel.tumblr.com)


	2. the perks of being a lightweight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhys and the gang go drinking, and his verbal filter goes out the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drunk shenanigans, backstory, and a brick cameo. what more could you ask for?

The first Saturday of every month was always Rhys’ favorite. It was the one night where he allowed himself a break from parenthood and hired a babysitter so that he and his friends could go out. Don’t get him wrong, he loved Tina with every fiber of his being; but sometimes, he just needed to get super, proper drunk.

“And then he left!” Yvette said, throwing up her hands in exasperation while also continuing to laugh. “I got out of the shower, and he was gone!”

Rhys and Vaughn clinked glasses before slamming back another shot as they giggled at the shitshow that was Yvette’s sex life. Rhys had lost count of how many drinks he’d had, but he didn’t really care; the best part of being on a space station was that there was no need for a designated driver, and nobody in his gang was even remotely sober.

“Your love life has noooothing on mine,” Rhys said, leaning over the table they were sitting at and wagging the pointer finger of his cybernetic hand in her face.

“Oh yeah, Rhys. I’m sure being super attractive makes it sooo hard for you to get laid,” Yvette said, rolling her eyes as she sipped on her beer.

“First of all, it does,” Rhys said, trying to come off as serious but ending up just looking goofy. “Second of all,” he paused, grabbing Yvette’s drink and taking a swig before handing it back to her, “Second of all… Wait, where was I going with this?”

“Dumbass,” Yvette said, looking sourly at the mug Rhys had now gotten his germs all over.

Rhys stuck his tongue out at her.

“So tell us about this love life of yours,” Vaughn said, chuckling as Rhys’ entire face lit up. They may have been keeping pace with each other, but Rhys’ alcohol tolerance was embarrassingly low.

“Well, it’s more of, um, a, erm, a crush.” Rhys stumbled over his words as he rubbed at the back of his neck. His drunkenness accentuated his nervous tics, but it also dissolved his verbal filter.

“Spill it!” Yvette said eagerly, leaning closer to Rhys.

“Relax, I haven’t even told him yet,” Rhys said, the flush on his cheeks now due to more than just the alcohol. “He’s just so pretty, and my heart goes aaaaaaall wonky when I’m around him, and--”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Vaughn said, holding his hand up to stop Rhys’ rambling. “ _Him_?”

Yvette socked Vaughn in the arm. “Don’t be insensitive.”

“Hey, I’m not judging,” Vaughn said, massaging his bicep. “Just curious.”

“Yes, it’s a boy,” Rhys said, grinning like a middle-schooler passing lovey-dovey notes in class.

“So, are you gonna tell us who he is, or…?” Yvette trailed off, raising her brow.

Rhys pantomimed zipping his lips as he shook his head.

“I think we need some more alcohol,” Vaughn announced, winking to Yvette as he stumbled to the bar counter to order another round of drinks.

Rhys’ thoughts kept wandering back to Jack as he sat in the booth, running his hands over the fake leather material next to him which Vaughn had just vacated. His body felt pleasantly warm, like a blanket was wrapped around every inch of him, including his mind. He was past the point of sobriety-induced guilt at his crush, and as the shot of vodka he’d just drank absorbed into his brain-- well, his lips were quick to unzip.

“Yvette,” he said, sliding his ridiculously long arms and torso over the table so that he could poke his friend. “Yvette, hey Yvette.”

Yvette humored him with a smirk. “Yes, Rhys?”

He didn’t seem to notice that he was way more wasted than her, and Yvette wasn’t about to stop him from oversharing what would likely be the most interesting news of the week.

“D’you wanna hear a secret?”

Yvette nodded, internally gloating that she was about to hear the secret identity of Rhys’ crush before Vaughn did.

“The person I like,” Rhys said in a stage whisper that was probably supposed to be quiet, “is Jack.”

“Jack?” Yvette asked, eyes widening. “As in…?”

“Handsome Jack?” Rhys said, failing to hold back a smile. “Yup.”

Yvette didn’t respond for a moment. “You’re shitting me.”

“I’m-- no I’m not!” Rhys looked confused, but Yvette just waved his concern off.

“Alright, so, I got one more shot for me and Yvette, three more for Rhys, and-- wait, what is it?” Vaughn paused from where he’d been sliding the drinks onto their table. “Did I miss something?”

“The secret identity of Rhys’ crush,” Yvette said, trying to hold back a laugh.

Rhys went to reach for one of the shots Vaughn brought him, but Yvette swatted his hand away. “You’ve had more than enough to drink.”

Rhys pouted. “You’re not my mom.”

“Yeah, but _you’re_ a dad.”

Rhys cocked his head to the side, trying to comprehend her words. When they finally sunk in, he lowered his head with a sigh. “Fair point.”

Vaughn shot Yvette a glare. Bringing up Rhys’ parenthood when he was drunk, thereby bringing up the memories of his ex abandoning him, was a sure shot to over-emotionality and a mess of a hangover the next day.

“Vaughn,” Yvette said loudly, drawing Rhys’ attention away from brooding. “Guess what Rhys told me when you were gone?”

Sad, closed-off drunk Rhys was immediately replaced by hyperactive, uninhibited drunk Rhys, as he shot to his feet. “Yvette, no, you promised!”

He looked scandalized, although the way he was swaying on his feet wasn’t contributing to a very intimidating image.

“Sorry, Rhys,” Yvette said unapologetically. “His crush-- get this-- is Handsome Jack.”

“What?!” Vaughn all but shouted, turning to Rhys in shock. “Bro, she’s kidding, right? Bro?”

Rhys slowly shook his head, averting his gaze yet smiling nonetheless.

“Holy shit!” he said, looking wildly between Rhys and Yvette. “Holy shit!”

“You already said that, Vaughn,” Yvette said, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, well, it’s a bit of a surprise, isn’t it?” Vaughn countered.

“I mean, this _is_ Rhys we’re talking about,” Yvette said with a snort.

“He’s not _that_ nuts!” He turned to Rhys. “Buddy, come on and back me up here.”

Rhys didn’t respond, and Vaughn moved to poke him before he heard Rhys start to snore.

“Fucking lightweight,” Vaughn muttered. “What am I supposed to do with all these drinks now?”

Yvette shrugged. “Get smashed and try to forget that our best friend is in love with a maniac?”

Vaughn grinned. “I’ll toast to that.”

* * *

Rhys groaned as he felt someone shaking his shoulder. His head was pounding, and he curled into a fetal position.

“Five more minutes, Stace,” he mumbled, trying to let himself succumb back to sleep.

“Uh, it’s Yvette. And it’s 1 a.m., you’ve gotta head home so the sitter can leave.”

Rhys rubbed at his temples as he forced himself to open his eyes. He found himself sprawled on Yvette’s couch underneath one of her various _Star Wars_ blankets.

“Shit,” he said, running his fingers through his hair and pushing himself up to sit. “Shit, sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said, offering him a sympathetic smile. “I already called Brick, he’s fine staying a bit longer. Said something about a midterm next week.”

“Great,” he said, forcing himself to stand and ride out the vertigo. “Hope you told him I’d pay him extra.”

Yvette smirked, tossing his shoes at his feet so that he could make himself decent. “You always pay him extra.”

Rhys couldn’t argue with that. Brick was by far the best sitter he’d ever found, and the only person aside from him and his friends whom he really trusted around his daughter. The former wrestler was in the midst of working towards finally receiving his GED, and Rhys was more than happy to give him any support towards his graduation. Although they were roughly the same age, their relationship was cordial, and Rhys never acted like he was superior for having attended college (at least, he tried his hardest not to).

“Thanks for bringing me back here,” Rhys said as he laced up his shoes with unsteady fingers. “I take it I had too much fun?”

Yvette chuckled. “Something like that. Vaughn basically had to carry you back here, bless him and his weird muscles.”

Rhys would have laughed, but he wasn’t an amateour to hangovers, and definitely wasn’t in the mood for a headache.

“See you soon, Yvette,” Rhys said, making sure he had all his belongings before heading to the door. “Thanks again.”

“No problem,” she replied. “Oh, and Rhys? You and Jack would make a cute couple.”

By the time Rhys’ numbed-out brain managed to process her words, he was already back at his apartment. He would’ve sent Yvette a snarky text in response to what was admittedly his own fault, but he passed out as soon as he’d finished paying Brick and his head hit the pillow.

* * *

Dragging his ass out of bed the next morning was a miserable ordeal. His head still hurt, and he wandering into the bathroom on unsteady legs to find medication. The mere act of swallowing the pills made him nauseous, and Rhys wondered idly how disgustingly early it was. A quick check on his ECHOeye showed it to be barely past 6 a.m., and he would’ve been bitter except for the fact that it meant he had time for a hot shower before Tina woke up and demanded his attention.

He set about removing his cybernetic arm, not wanting to get it rusty and needing to charge it since he’d tiredly crashed with it still attached overnight. As he placed the arm in its charging cradle, he saw with relief that he’d at least remembered to plug in his comm. He unlocked it with a retinal scan, wanting to check his work emails because yes, he was that invested in his job. Instead, he was distracted by the barrage of unread texts from Vaughn cluttering his inbox. They’d been received at around 3, far later than when Rhys had gone to sleep. His bro must’ve still been a bit drunk when he’d messaged Rhys, because the texts were riddled with spelling errors.

Rhys managed to get the gist: Rhys needed to call Vaughn ASAP or he was showing up at his apartment because they needed to have a serious bro talk about this whole Handsome Jack thing.

Rhys winced as he remembered that his drunken past self had run his mouth about his crush, his stupid now not-so-secret infatuation that consumed his thoughts even when inebriated.

God, why did he have to be such a sap?

He had a track record of falling hard for people that would make for unhealthy girlfriends in the long run (although now, he supposed, he had to add “boyfriends” to that sentiment). Wasn’t that exactly what had happened with Stacey? He’d thought they’d had something, but then she’d up and left him out of the blue. He still tore himself up about it, despite the way he told everyone he’d _totally_ moved on from his bitch of an ex, because what if he’d been the one in the wrong? What if it was his fault that his daughter had no mother?

He knew on a logical level that no, it was most definitely Stacey’s fault for, y’know, being a bitch and all; but that didn’t do enough to quell the insecurities constantly swirling in the back of his mind. At least his little crush on Jack seemed to distract him from those ugly thoughts, though it couldn’t prevent the deep-seeded fear that he’d fuck things up with Jack too if they ever got serious.

Which they wouldn’t, because Rhys still hadn’t gathered up the nerve to even ask the man on a freaking date. Really, how hard could it be? He was an awkward person, sure; yet he still managed to woo women from the bar back to their bed (couldn’t have Tina be traumatized) when he needed a little extra TLC.

But with Jack… with Jack, things seemed different. He got all flustered and tongue-tied when he was around him, which kind of sucked because Jack was also his boss. He knew, of course, that having a relationship with the man he literally worked directly under wasn’t a good idea, but neither was having a relationship with Jack in the first place; so really, the two equally bad decisions should cancel each other out in the cosmic equation that accounted for Rhys’ ever-suffering mental stability. Besides, he really would like to be _working under Jack_ , if you caught his drift.

Great. Now he had to take a cold shower. He scowled, stripping the rest of the way before stepping under the obnoxiously freezing spray of the water. He used to love washing the sweat and grime off his body in the refreshing coolness back when he’d lived on the always hot and humid Eden-6. Back when he’d been engaged to Stacey. Back when he’d thought they’d live that nuclear family fairytale life with 2.5 kids and a magical happily ever after.

He knew how all those stories ended now; but his heart had yet to catch the memo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i live for comments/kudos
> 
> support me on ko-fi [here](http://Ko-fi.com/dragonbagel)
> 
> tumblr: [dragonbagel](http://dragonbagel.tumblr.com)


	3. feeling like a kid again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhys and Jack go on a date, and Rhys' body is simultaneously blushing, having a panic attack, and going through the five stages of grief over his mental chill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now that i finally finished my other hella long WIPs i can spend more time writing this heck yeah

It was a month after Rhys came to terms with the fact that he maybe actually probably wasn’t 100% straight that he finally worked up the courage to ask Jack out.

The whole ordeal had been completely terrifying, probably the scariest event in Rhys’ recent memory, excluding the time he’d told his parents he was moving to Helios because his would-be bride had ditched after their “precious baby boy got too involved in his dress-up” and asked to be called Tina “because Rhys was an enabler that should never be a parent.”

Personally, Rhys thought he made a damn fine dad, and he loved nothing more than helping his daughter pick out dresses with wicked cool patterns and attending her imaginary tea parties. Unlike Stacey, none of Tina’s peers had an issue with calling her by her chosen name (which she’d lifted from one of her favorite books); although, Rhys reasoned, these same kids probably wouldn’t even bat an eye if Tina asked them to call her Spiderman.

However, not even single-parenting since his daughter was four years old could prepare him for the arduous task of asking Jack out. He knew that the CEO had been with his fair share of guys in the past, even calling himself pansexual in various magazine interviews that Rhys definitely didn’t keep hoarded in his closet like a creepy fanboy. He specifically recalled Jack telling an interviewer that it would be rude not to allow everyone a chance to get with someone as handsome as him, and Rhys prayed one of those chances would be his.

The opportunity presented itself when Jack complained for the umpteenth time about how stressed and exhausted he was.

“Why don’t these idiots know how to do their jobs?” he groaned from where he sat at his desk practically tearing his hair out. He’d already popped the stress ball Rhys had given him as a Christmas present, and Rhys knew janitorial would be downright pissed about the tiny rice grains now scattered across the office floor.

Rhys didn’t gratify Jack’s question with an answer, knowing his musings were purely rhetorical and any attempt at a response would only rile him up further.

“You need to take a break,” Rhys said instead, standing at the side of Jack’s desk.

“Can’t,” Jack grunted, narrowed eyes focused on the holographic computer screen displaying sales reports projected in front of him.

“Seriously,” Rhys said, placing a tentative hand on Jack’s shoulder to get his attention. “You have to take care of yourself.”

Jack smirked. “Why take care of myself when you have perfectly good hands?”

Rhys groaned, removing his hand from Jack’s shoulder and trying to ignore the shivers Jack’s words sent through him. “Not what I meant.”

Jack pursed his lips. “Then what did you have in mind, pumpkin?”

“We could go to dinner.” The words came out in a rush, not at all elegant in the way he’d been practicing in the mirror. “I mean, uh, if you, er, want to.”

He nervously scratched at the back of his neck, cheeks burning as he stared at the floor.

“Dinner, hmm?” Jack said thoughtfully.

“Yeah, uh, tomorrow night?” Rhys said, trying not to sound too eager. “There’s a new pizza place in the Hub that’s supposed to be really good, so I thought maybe we could...go there?”

He didn’t mean for his words to come out as a question, but he felt awkward and nervous and damn he really didn’t want to be rejected.

Jack grinned. “You asking me out, pumpkin?”

Rhys flushed even harder. “Maybe? I mean- yeah, I guess, actually, if you’d be, uh, into that.”

He wished he wasn’t stumbling over his words, but the nerves twisting in his gut made it hard to think clearly.

“A date with my hot PA? A bit unprofessional, but count me in, kitten.”

Rhys had already painstakingly considered the dangers of dating his boss, but at this point he was willing to put his career on the line if it meant he had a chance with Jack. Oh, Vaughn would kill him if he ever found out he’d thought that.

“We can meet at seven? If that works for you,” Rhys quickly amended.

Jack shrugged. “You’re the one in charge of my calendar, sweetheart.”

“Oh, heh, right,” Rhys chuckled nervously.

“Wear something nice, would ya?” Jack said as he turned back to his work once more. “Ooh, and maybe those tight pants. Y’know, the black ones that make your ass look good?”

Rhys was sure his entire face was red at this point as he nodded and shakily returned to his desk. He probably should’ve pointed out that the restaurant was pretty casual, although he realized Jack’s culinary experiences likely consisted of only fine dining. Besides, his twitchy lips had given up on working properly, so it wasn’t like he could even say anything. He took a deep breath as he re-submerged himself in his work, stifling any and all butterflies in his chest as he added “dinner with Rhys” to Jack’s Friday schedule before starting to trudge through his overflowing inbox.

 _Stay cool, Rhys,_ he told himself. _You’ve got this._

* * *

He definitely did not got this.

He’d burnt the crumpets he’d been making for Tina’s dinner, and then proceeded to crack part of the screen of his phone while fumbling to call Brick and beg him to pick up some griddle cakes on his way over.

“What’s wrong, daddy?” Tina stood in the doorway to his bedroom, staring at Rhys curiously.

She’d been ecstatic about getting to see Brick on a Friday, which usually never happened, and she’d planned an especially grand tea party for the occasion. But she also knew that if her dad was missing out on their weekly movie night ( _Finding Nemo_ had been on the schedule), something very important must be going on.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Rhys replied, nervously rotating through his various ties in an attempt to find one that best matched.

The rest of his outfit had been relatively easy to put together, considering Jack had all but chosen it for him in the sexy order that Rhys hadn’t been thinking about for two days straight now. But a tie? The completing accent that could make or break the entire ensemble? He was hopelessly lost. Maybe he should just call Jack and cancel now, retire the lucky green and purple striped socks he was wearing to the drawer, because none of his fifty ties looked right. He looked too pale, too thin, too flashy, too cheesy. And god, was it just the dark burgundy highlighting the tie he was trying out or were the bags under his eyes always so prominent?

“Ooh, are you playing dress up?” Tina asked, wandering into the room with careful steps to avoid stepping on the various rejected clothes strewn across the floor.

“Something like that,” Rhys said, throwing the latest too-dorky tie over his shoulder and onto his bed.

“Can I help? Pretty please?” Tina was now standing next to him in front of the open closet doors, her eyes wide and excited at the prospect of getting her hands on the no-doubt silky ties.

“Sure,” Rhys said, chuckling as Tina immediately started rifling through the various patterns. “Be careful, though; if you rip one, it’s coming out of your allowance.”

Tina barely even registered his words, so enthralled by the countless patterns and colors that not much else mattered. Rhys stood back and watched her, taking a candid photo on his ECHOeye of Tina’s adorable debut as a wardrobe stylist. As he finished filing the picture into his virtual photo album, Tina turned around to face him with a triumphant grin. “This one.”

She held out the tie in her tiny hand, and Rhys gingerly took it from her. He hadn’t seen this particular one in years, although the navy blue material was still as soft as he remembered. He marveled at the fine golden hexagonal pattern adorning the tie as he looped it around his neck, fingers making quick work of it in the way Vaughn had taught him back in college because his clip-on skinny ties were embarrassing to be near.

“What do you think?” he said when he was finished with the knot, striking a pose with his hands on his hips.

“I like it!” Tina declared, grinning at her handiwork. “Jack will like it too!”

“J-Jack?” Rhys faltered, hoping his shock wasn’t too obvious.

Tina nodded, bouncing on her heels before she running and flopping down onto the bed. “Uncle Vaughn told me you were going on a date with Jack tonight. Who is he? Is he nice?”

“Mhmm,” Rhys said somewhat distractedly, already cranking out an angry text to his bro because he’d told him that shit in confidence. “Next time you see Uncle Vaughn, tell him he better watch his back.”

Tina giggled. “Don’t be mean!”

“Oh, I’ll be plenty mean,” Rhys said, laughing as he lifted Tina off the bed. “Now go finish setting up the tea party; I think Brick will be here soon.”

Tina nodded excitedly before dashing towards the kitchen, leaving Rhys to chuckle and roll his eyes as he opened a weak-ass apology message from Vaughn. He disregarded it, bitter enough to leave Vaughn on read for a while as he set about styling his hair. The gel was cool as he slathered his hands in it, and he checked out his reflection in the mirror as he ran his fingers through his hair. Tina had made a good choice; the tie brought out the color in his ECHOeye, and made him look more ethereal than deathly pale.

Stacey had liked the tie too. That’s why he’d last worn it when he’d proposed to her.

But this wasn’t Stacey. She wasn’t here. This was his special night with Jack, and there was no way he’d let that bitch get in his head and screw it up for him. He heard the doorbell ring, and mussed his hair one more time before letting Brick inside.

“Good luck, dad!” Tina called as he grabbed his keys and headed out.

“Thanks, kid. Be good for Brick!”

Tina nodded, returning Rhys’ shouted “love you!” as he left. Rhys sent Jack a text that he was on his way, perfectly on track for arriving a polite five minutes early, and hoped more than anything that Tina really had given him some luck. God knew he was going to need it.

* * *

Jack arrived ten minutes after their agreed upon meeting time, which was frankly earlier than Rhys had been expecting. He typically had to enter Jack’s more important meetings into the calendar for an hour earlier than scheduled just to make sure that he wouldn’t be late, so being nearly punctual spoke to his excitement for the date. Hopefully.

“Rhysie!” Jack called, walking up to the hostess stand beside which Rhys was sitting.

“Hey,” Rhys said, smiling nervously and asking to be led to their table.

He shuffled awkwardly behind the woman as his gaze shifted between his accident-prone feet and Jack, who was walking beside him. He was clad in dark jeans and a signature Hyperion yellow polo, which Rhys commented on as soon as they were seated.

“It’s a casual place, isn’t it?” Jack said, nonchalantly assessing through the menu.

“Well, yeah,” Rhys replied, trying to keep his voice level. “It’s just, you told me to dress up.”

“Duh,” Jack said, smirking. “Because have you seen yourself, pumpkin? You’re hot shit.”

His wolf whistle had Rhys covering his embarrassment in a sip of water, which he ended up nearly choking on. He didn’t fare much better through the rest of the meal, stumbling over his words as Jack hit him with line after line of smooth conversation. They’d gotten on the topic of robots early on, which had quickly evolved from discussion of the new Claptrap mods to which classic Transformer was the best. It was official: Jack was as big of a nerd as Rhys. That should’ve done something to level the playing field, but instead Rhys found himself falling even harder. The night became a whirlwind of dorky debates, pizza, and a floaty feeling he’d like to blame on the wine rather than the way Jack looked at him.

“This was fun, Rhysie,” Jack said, grinning as he watched Rhys finish the piece of chocolate cake they’d been sharing. He’d already paid the check, batting Rhys’ hand away when he’d offered to go halfsies.

“Yeah,” Rhys agreed, blushing as Jack’s eyes never left his.

“Shall we?” Jack had risen to his feet intimidatingly smoothly, holding out his arm to Rhys.

Rhys nodded, shakily linking his cybernetic arm with Jack’s and letting himself be led from the restaurant.

“Thanks,” Rhys said, the dimmed lights in the Hub magnifying the surplus of romantic feelings he was drowning in.

“Thank _you_ , cupcake,” Jack said, chuckling and squeezing Rhys’ hand. “You were right-- maybe I should start relaxing more.”

Rhys shrugged. “I do have some pretty great ideas.”

“Wanna help me out with some more... _thorough_ R &R?”

Rhys snorted at the absolutely devilish look on Jack’s face, pulling back from his advances without releasing his hand. “Maybe another time.”

Jack pouted, although his moping was cut short by the feeling of Rhys’ lips against his. Rhys’ brain must’ve been a step behind his body, because he recoiled as soon as he realized what he was doing.

“Oh, I, uh…” Rhys trailed off, turning away from Jack and starting to head towards the elevator.

“Cute,” Jack mused, confident smirk once again in place. “Go get some rest, kitten. But don’t do anything-- or anyone-- I wouldn’t. I know where you work, remember?”

Rhys’ heart was beating so fast he was pretty sure it’d stopped completely, caught like a deer in headlights under Jack’s gaze.

“See you Monday, Rhysie."

With that, Jack gave a small two-fingered salute and turned on his heel towards the other side of the space station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've officially typecast stacey as the Bitch character because i can
> 
> i live for comments/kudos
> 
> support me on ko-fi [here](http://Ko-fi.com/dragonbagel)
> 
> tumblr: [dragonbagel](http://dragonbagel.tumblr.com)


	4. can’t help it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Rhys an adult or a teenage boy? The world may never know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol it’s been like a year since i updated this but thanks to random inspiration here it is! it’s not super long but it’s better than nothing i suppose

Rhys spent the weekend attending a nearly obnoxious amount of tea parties in an attempt to make up for missing out on movie night. Tina kept saying that she liked hanging out with Brick because he “treated the badonkadonks with the respect those ladies deserved.” Rhys still wasn’t sure who’d taught her that word, and he sincerely hoped she didn’t actually know what it meant (the fact that none of her dolls had nice butts or anything was somewhat reassuring in that regard).

So yeah. Lots of tea. Lots of movies. Lots of wrangling Tina into doing her math homework despite her protesting. And lots of texting Jack-- because did he mention that Jack had his number? He’d given it to him for work-related purposes (such as Jack calling him in the middle of the night asking him to rearrange the next day’s meetings), but their current chat history wasn’t even remotely professional. It had been a while since he’d done this whole dating thing, and yes, it had been an embarrassingly long time since he’d gotten laid-- meaning, really, he had an excuse for how quickly he texted back.

The first message from Jack had come as a surprise, considering a) it came at 4 in the morning and b) it was from Handsome fucking Jack. Rhys had been pretty sure Jack would be spending the weekend out partying and sleeping with as many people as he desired, since Rhys had likely fucked up their date spectacularly (his attempted smooth-talking? Yikes). And it had only been one date; it wasn’t like they were exclusive or anything.

Yet here Jack was, sending Rhys emoji-filled messages like his life depended on it. Rhys found the eye-rolling over usage of both the sunglasses and eggplant emojis disgustingly endearing, and even Tina picked up on the way he kept dopily grinning at his phone. She told him it was cute, but he still needed to pay attention to her-- unashamed in that headstrong preteen kind of way.

He apologized for the millionth time, flushing and putting his phone away only to blush even harder as it vibrated with notifications in his pocket. But no, he was parenting. Jack’s shameless quadruple-texting could wait til later. Much later. Like when he was in bed and Tina was asleep.

When he finally put her royal highness to bed, he whipped out his phone so quickly that it would put even his 16-year-old self to shame. He snorted at the flood of messages in his inbox, reading them over with a small smile.

_< Rhysie_

_< are you ignoring me cupcake?_

_< I’m your boss you shouldn’t do that_

_< and I know where you live_

_< babe come on I’m bored_

Rhys bit back a grin as he typed out a quick response, heart pounding at the various pet names (although it definitely should’ve been freaking out about Jack’s weirdly stalkerish threat).

_> Sorry Handsome, I was busy._

He left out the part about his busyness being due to the daughter that Jack didn’t even know existed, since being a parent was typically a huge turn-off. He’d tell Jack eventually, okay? If they ever got serious. Which they probably wouldn’t, because Rhys was a loser that texted with perfect grammar and then proceeded to fumble over his words in person.

_< too busy to talk to your incredibly good-looking boss? unlikely_

Rhys responded with the eye-roll emoji, because he honestly didn’t know what else to say. Luckily, Jack and his constant chatter saved the conversation from dying due to Rhys’ awkwardness.

_< anywaaaaays when are we having a repeat of friday?_

Rhys gulped.

_> You mean like another date?_

_< uh yeah, pumpkin, try to keep up_

Rhys was seriously trying to, but he felt ridiculously light-headed.

_> Sorry._

_< don’t apologize, kitten. just give me another chance to stare at your ass all night ;)_

Rhys gulped, flushing a brilliant red at Jack’s words and, oh yeah, the fucking winky face. He felt incredibly lost, which was saying something, considering he had no clue what was going on the majority of the time.

_< like shit, don’t keep that from a man_

A thought popped into Rhys’ head that he immediately tried to squash, because really the idea was just absurd. Unprofessional. Juvenile. Probably even dangerous. But when had he ever been one to practice impulse control?

Biting his lip, Rhys rolled onto his side, drawing one knee up towards his chest so that the boxers he would be sleeping in became flush with his ass. He hoped that Jack wouldn’t judge him too hard for his affinity for patterns (this particular pair was adorned with a smattering of bananas). Or, y’know, for the whole butt picture thing.

Rhys grimaced at the shutter sound of his phone as he snapped a photo, his cheeks flushing even brighter. His fingers moved on autopilot as he sent the image, his conscious brain only catching up when he heard the telltale _whoosh_ that meant the message had gone through. He immediately regretted his decision, especially as he didn’t receive an instant response. Yep, he’d definitely just signed his death sentence. He was fucked, oh so very fucked (and, unfortunately, not in the good way).

His phone buzzed. _New image from Jack,_ the alert proclaimed. Swallowing, he unlocked the phone. He then swallowed again for a reason wholly unrelated to his anxiety, as he’d been half-convinced that the message would just be a picture of his newly minted death certificate, or maybe even the undoubtedly high-tech gun that would spell his doom.

Instead, he was left staring at an image of Jack’s crotch. His boxers, covered in an obnoxiously vain pattern of his own masked face, were taught around his obvious erection.

_< like what you see? i know i did._

Rhys fumbled for a response, his brain practically short-circuiting as it failed to communicate with his fingers. He silently thanked god for autocorrect.

_> Mhmm. Is that all for me?_

He resituated himself against his pillows, the bed frame creaking slightly.

It was going to be a long night.

**Author's Note:**

> i live for comments/kudos
> 
> support me on ko-fi [here](http://Ko-fi.com/dragonbagel)
> 
> tumblr: [dragonbagel](http://dragonbagel.tumblr.com)


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